Power Couples

Sun Herald

Sunday September 25, 2005

Annette Binger

Relationships can be hard work at the best of times but what happens when two people with demanding jobs fall in love? Annette Binger talks to four couples who have learned to juggle their high-powered careers and a happy marriage.

The bathroom at the Gwyn house is a rabble of toys, kids and adults from 6am. Sometimes the two preschoolers will even sit with a bowl of cereal on the bathroom floor while their full-time lawyer mum, Wendy, finishes her make-up before rushing out the door at 7.45am. "Our nanny arrives at 7.30 and my husband will often take the kids downstairs for breakfast so I do sometimes get a few minutes to myself before work," she says, mustering a laugh.

High-powered jobs are renowned for their mega wages and high satisfaction quotas but are equally notorious for long hours, bountiful stress and minimal leisure time. For power singles, finding life balance can become the Holy Grail of human conditions. But when two high-powered singles fall in love, the solo life must seem, in hindsight, a cakewalk.

"I sometimes struggle with the concessions I need to make," says Wendy Gwyn, a 39-year-old powerhouse who became a partner at Freehills commercial law firm in July. With three children - Jake, 10, Ryan, 4, and Alexa, 3 - and a job that takes up to 12 hours a day, that's not surprising. Her husband of five years, Rhys Gwyn, who works and travels about 60 hours a week as a managing director at the investment bank Goldman Sachs JBWere, says he's proud she made partner but laments the finetuning required to keep their collective engine operating smoothly. "Our lives are run with military precision," says Rhys, 40. "Wendy and I regularly coordinate our schedules in advance so that the kids always have one of us on weeknights and weekends." And when work stress takes over their home life, "we'll remind ourselves that only one of us needs to work," he says. "But I love that Wendy has a successful career and I wouldn't want to change a thing."

Wendy, who was a single mum and junior lawyer with one child before meeting Rhys, says that maintaining her independence is crucial to her equilibrium. "I love my work and the sense of satisfaction I get from my career. Equally importantly, though, is my financial independence."

Wendy and Rhys met in Australia but they're both from North America and have no family support here. Their saviour, they agree, is the nanny, who cares for the children, oversees the day-to-day household chores and is a trained chef.

And although they care for their relationship by making an effort to eat together most nights, Rhys is the driving force who secures Friday nights for the two of them to simply have a meal and hang out together. It's the one night Wendy doesn't go near her computer and they consciously don't talk about work.

With weekdays scheduled from 6am until sometimes midnight and weekends devoted to children, there is little time for spontaneous romantic adventures or even alone time. "I'll find time for myself by staying up and reading after everyone's gone to bed or by catching the bus to work on my own," says Rhys. "I am settled with the concessions I've made, though, because I know I'm more grounded since meeting Wendy and having a family. But I'd still love for Wendy and me to travel and have adventures together ... it'll keep!"

Although it seems an eternity since it became acceptable for married

women to bring home the bacon, it was as late as 1966 that the Australian Commonwealth Public Service revoked its archaic ruling that insisted women bow out of their public-service jobs after marriage to make way for men. "Before the '60s, only men exhibited classic workaholism symptoms," says Amanda Gordon, president of the Australian Psychological Society. "When men were stressed, working long hours and not eating properly, their wives were there to catch them if they fell. Women were traditionally the ones scheduling social time, making sure their husbands had time for themselves and were eating well. When two people are working like crazy, they might just both fall."

Power couples can then become trapped in a dark, uncommunicative hole because they've spent long hours in the office, grabbed takeaway and zoned out in front of the television, exhausted. "The long hours, stress, fatigue and high expectations of high-achieving individuals in a relationship can be a lethal mix," says Rosalie Pattenden, senior psychologist at Relationships Australia. "The mortar starts disintegrating, couples stop communicating and intimacy gets lost. And this is when our Venus and Mars home planets wreak havoc - men think sex will re-create intimacy and women won't have much desire for sex because communication is poor. Women do sometimes need to be persuaded into having sex because it can lead to greater intimacy and open pathways to communication with men. But men also need to remember that a woman's most sensitive erogenous zone is between her ears."

The other real hitch for power couples, adds Gordon, "can be when they don't openly question whether traditional roles work in their relationship. Is it OK for a woman who is also working long hours to take on the social diary and role of primary carer who also does the bulk of the housework? Does she expect her husband to pick up the slack when she's busy? If these issues aren't discussed, each has unspoken expectations about the other's responsibilities and that leads to disappointment."

The pressure is doubled when such couples have children. According to Professor Michael Bittman, professorial fellow in the sociology department at the University of New England, full-time working couples with children have little time for self. Compared to full-time working couples without children who enjoy about 39 hours of leisure time each a week, full-time working mothers with children under two survive on two paltry hours of adult leisure time a week, while their male partners squeeze out five hours.

"Men are much better at guarding time for themselves when they're busy," says Pattenden. "Women are more inclined to guard time for shared activities, which can lead to friction because he'll be heading off to play golf and she'll be wondering what happened to their shared leisure time."

"I don't question what I've given up because my work is my passion and I'm happy with that," says Cathy O'Connor, the managing director of radio at DMG Radio Australia, who has been married to executive Paul Taylor for almost 14 years. "Paul does fit in more of his own hobbies and interests than me, like fishing and music and sport, but I don't resent that because I'm doing what I love and so is he. It's far too easy to focus on the things that don't work. You need to be a bit dispassionate and remember a bad day is just a bad day and roll with it."

In her role at DMG, which operates the Nova and Vega radio networks, O'Connor, 41, works about 10 hours a day at her office and another couple of hours at home after the children have gone to bed. She regularly sleeps away from home because of the interstate travel required by her job. Taylor's executive development company, 6 Degrees, demands at least 50 of his hours a week and regular trips interstate. "Our lives work because we don't scrimp on child care," says Taylor, 44. "Our two daughters [Sophie, 8, and Ellie, 6] have a nanny we treat with respect and as a valuable family member and colleague."

"Of course, I worried initially that my girls wouldn't love me as much when they spent up to 55 hours a week with their nanny but those concerns quickly evaporated because it works," says O'Connor. "When Paul and I are home, we spend time with each other and our girls, not running after domestic chores. We have a nanny and someone who does our washing, cleaning and shopping - I had to let go and I don't feel there's anything wrong with that."

A recent study of 200 couples in managerial positions by psychology professor Kim Halford and PhD student Marjolein Broers from Griffith University reveals that power couples' lives are, in fact, made easier by an army of domestic helpers, be it a nanny, a cleaner or someone to walk the dog. It also found that success in marriage and at work was thanks to supportive work colleagues and partners.

For both Taylor and O'Connor, their main concern is that the other is happy. "If Cathy is enjoying herself, which she does in her work - she is an incredible manager - I'm happy. Our girls are also happy."

Compromise is key in a power-couple relationship. "I know I'm ahead with cooking and some home duties," says Taylor, whose job is slightly more flexible and allows him to come home earlier than O'Connor on occasion. "But I know Cathy has had

a lot on her plate recently." O'Connor agrees that they're a team, where one will pick up the slack if the other is busy and vice versa. What brings them undone, she says, is when they don't coordinate their diaries - and she is more often the guilty party.

When O'Connor decided to mix work with raising children, she was also aware that she wanted to be a good role model to other women. "In my early management years, there were not a lot of women

in senior roles who had children. I wanted to show people that it could be done. And, ultimately, I think having children has made me a better manager - I've learned to not sweat the small stuff and to focus on the things that really matter."

One issue that each of the psychologists spoken to by Sunday Life cited as a classic stumbling block for power couples was how they found time for each other. Taylor and O'Connor aim to "date" regularly and spend weekends away together twice a year. The Gwyns try to eat together most nights and earlier this year grabbed a couple of days in Hanoi. It wasn't long enough, says Wendy, "but it was great to just spend time together and re-acquaint".

But what happens when you live and work together? In 1996, lawyer and dispute resolution specialist Rosemary Howell convinced her lawyer husband of 23 years, Alan Limbury, to set up another arm of her Sydney firm, Strategic Action. They now spend seven days a week together in their Woolloomooloo home office.

"Alan and I are not competitive; we nurture each other and have a profound impact on each other - hey, he listened to me when I persuaded him to leave his practice and set up here," says fiftysomething Howell. "Of course, we talk work at home. But often it's in general terms because we each have confidential situations we're dealing with. I trust Alan's judgement implicitly and I love that he trusts me - he never asks what I'm doing or where I'm going. But we don't just talk about work. Alan is the most interesting man I've ever met; we spar intellectually and talk about a wide range of things. He is a great listener and infinitely curious."

"Our lives have always been a collaboration," agrees 64-year-old Limbury, who says he met his match in Howell, whom he describes as having a razor-sharp mind and an enormous sense of humour. "And there's never any chance to get bored because we're constantly moving in new directions."

Howell, who had been married twice before meeting Limbury, says she is still astonished by how exhilarating their marriage is. "I am pathological about considering other people and I am very bossy," she concedes. "So I was always clear with Alan that if this was going to work, he had to pull his weight. When our children were at home, it was exhausting and it was difficult to remember to care for each other. Our relationship is now better than it has ever been, partly because we've been so conscious of doing that."

Howell and Limbury say that another factor gluing their relationship has been individual career paths that allow space for shared passions. "We're both art lovers and our leisure time is often spent in search of art to add to our modest collection," says Limbury.

"For a relationship to maintain its strength, each person needs their own storyline and a strong couple story, where they share activities and dreams," says Rosalie Pattenden. "When couples' lives intersect too rarely, it can lead to passion for things and people outside their relationship."

Yet for all these pitfalls, Pattenden is quick to point out, people in high-powered jobs are generally good time managers, which can be an asset in a busy relationship. "As long as both people keep an eye

on their relationship and make time for each other, power couples can flourish."

True partners

Producer, director, writer and cinematographer David Parker credits his producer and theatre and film director wife, Nadia Tass, not only as his business partner but also with fostering his career. "I enjoyed my life as a stills photographer but it was only after meeting Nadia in 1979 that I developed professionally." Their first feature together, which won eight AFI awards in 1986, was Malcolm - which she directed, he wrote and photographed and they both produced. Their work since includes feature films and series in Australia, the US and England. Most recently, fiftysomething Parker produced the upcoming feature film Irresistible, starring Susan Sarandon and Sam Neill, and Tass directed the US telemovie Felicity: An American Girl Adventure, which Parker raced to Canada to shoot the moment Irresistible completed filming. "Without Nadia's influence and belief in me, I could never have done all this."

Given their shared industry, competitiveness must be on the cards. Not so, says Tass, who is in her mid-40s and describes herself as "maniacally" driven. "We are entirely complementary in our talents and personalities, which is not to say that he doesn't drive me nuts sometimes."

Neither is concerned that filmmaking takes up a considerable portion of their everyday conversation. And it is not their only joint passion. Before their children were born, Parker and Tass played in a band together - she is a remarkable singer and he plays a mean keyboard. They also have, according to Parker, some "bizarre shared joys" such as a small, successful hotel business in the Victorian coastal town of Queenscliff.

The pair, who have been married for 24 years, took 10 years to decide to have children. The key to successful parenting, says Tass, has been to include John and Chris, now 16 and 13, in the film and theatre process. "Until recently, the kids have always come with us - they've been to school in the US and UK; they've sat through theatre rehearsals. Because they're in high school now, it is getting harder to take them away; being away this time for five months has nearly killed me."

Tass and Parker agree that they'd love more time with their kids. Compensation comes from the way the kids recognise the joy their parents get from their work and the expectation that they will achieve the same in their careers.

"I recently apologised to John for all the time I've spent working," says Tass. "He said he didn't feel apologies were necessary because he loves that I'm so passionate about my work. His lack of resentment was genuine ... and a relief!"

How to make a power-couple relationship work

By Amanda Gordon, psychologist and president of the Australian Psychological Society

1 Couples need to talk about their expectations - who is going to be responsible for the social diary, how the chores will be shared. Unspoken expectations about each person's responsibilities can lead to disappointment.

2 Busy people need to remember that time for self is essential and not a luxury. If people forget how important it is to take time for themselves, things can fall apart and relationships suffer.

3 Busy people use diaries at work. Also use them to schedule appointments with your partner as well as time for yourself - exercise, a massage, whatever makes you happy.

4 Women need to support their partners to be involved in parenting; it's all too easy to fall back into traditional roles. For men to be connected with life, they also need to be connected to their families.

5 If finding time for your relationship, your family and yourself means pulling back a bit from work, so what? People need to consider their ability to continually add more into their lives.